My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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