oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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