Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
