I think I won the penis lottery.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
