i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
