I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
