when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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