I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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