Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
