Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
