Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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