mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
