So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
