My nipple is on Facebook.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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