Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
