Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
time to smoke my breakfast
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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