I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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