What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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