It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
