not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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