im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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