i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
