and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Vodka?
Forever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
