I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
