My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize