while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
