I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
