I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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