Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
