I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
