The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
