didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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