do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
