the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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