I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize