Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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