was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
