Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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