yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
