Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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