After last night, I could never be a politician.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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