Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
