Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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