ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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