i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
