Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
