just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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