you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
