Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
