if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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