I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
