the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He? As in you personified your dick?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So here I am, sexting at work.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
