Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
