can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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