I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
