i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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