Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
