Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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