end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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