This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
